Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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