god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
