he puts the penis in happiness.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
