She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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