i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
we're making bets on your personal life
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
