apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
