I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just forgot I was standing up.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
