i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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