Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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