I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
