My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
