You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
