My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
