I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
