Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
