Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
