I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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