the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
