My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
