3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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