I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
