Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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