Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We talked him into tasing himself.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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