Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
