I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
