Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
