I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
