Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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