Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
