Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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