Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
