Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I forgot how hot balto sounded
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
