I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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