that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
