I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
