: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
