You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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