Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize
