oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
