she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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