Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
