I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
