I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
