his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
