Can i not drive my cunt home
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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