I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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