Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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