So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
love makes seman taste better
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize