True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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