I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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