Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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