i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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