the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
